I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
