Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
