Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
