...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The air was thick with penises
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
