It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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