my mouth tastes like poor choices
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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