Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
