I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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