do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize