The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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