What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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