Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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