what day is it and did you see me today?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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