I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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