I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
