The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
