Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
