I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
