So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
