I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
