I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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