Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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