Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
