plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
