Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize