Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Less talking, more tequila
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
