hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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