Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
