I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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