he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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