she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
