If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
