i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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