Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
