So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
