On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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