I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
