I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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