No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
