If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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