What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
