Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
