My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
