Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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