I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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