I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
