What did we do last night that was yellow?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
