I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
