Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My penis needs a shock collar
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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