I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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