he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
