You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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