I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
