More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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