Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
