Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
