I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
