Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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