Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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