Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
