when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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