There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
