Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
