There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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