So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Who died my cat blue again?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
