in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
