I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Your penis caused this!
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