i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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