I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
