Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
