can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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